Romantica
by Garvin Livingston
Many guys in my high school found themselves pulled into the gravitational field of Diora Melvin and probably never managed to escape their orbit around her even today, eighteen years after graduation. I have not stayed in touch with too many of my friends from those days and I never went to any of our reunions. But I am sure that there are guys from my class who still get together sometimes and ask about the prettiest and most popular girls from back then. Diora’s name would most certainly come up.
She was warm and friendly to everyone but showed a certain shyness that made her approachable. It was her quiet demeanor that created just enough mystery to keep the guys going around and around. I was not one of those guys which is why I cannot explain why one weekend after probably close to twenty years of never even thinking about her, she got stuck in my head.
I wish I knew what might have ignited this compulsion. I was not reminiscing about high school. No one had mentioned her name to me. She just popped into my consciousness and after that, I could not get her out.
I did not know where she might have been living. She probably left Buffalo as most of us had. I did not know if she was married or had kids and rather than trying to see what I could find out about her, instead, I started to make plans for us. I thought about what a nice story it would be to tell my parents and my sister that I had reconnected with one of the most popular girls from high school; one of the girls that every guy had wanted to date. I thought about the reaction I would get from Dan and Jeff, the only two friends from high school with whom I was still in regular contact. I looked forward to introducing her to my co-workers and neighbors. I was sure that she would enjoy Livermore, California which is where I had been living for the past ten years.
I never really knew much about her. I could not remember if she was involved in any activities: sports, music, art, student government? I do not think I ever knew if she had any brothers or sisters, and I cannot remember who her close friends might have been. I did not even know what kind of student she was. I just remembered her being very pretty and pleasant. I can still see her sitting in the cafeteria; her delicate nose, dark eyes the same color as the streaks that nature had placed in a random pattern throughout her blonde, shoulder-length hair.
And then there was that smile. When it was on, it was warm and genuine. When it turned off, I sensed almost a lonely helplessness which was probably what attracted those boys in search of a girl to rescue. My first two years of high school I was with Stephanie and then after an amicable break-up, I dated Sasha all the way until graduation. Both of these girls had a firm hold on my heart which might be why I barely noticed Diora or any of the other popular girls.
I worried enough about my sudden interest in Diora to consider calling Dr. Bern, the therapist I had seen for about six months after Christine broke off our engagement. I had learned enough from Natalie Bern during our weekly sessions to practically self-treat which is what she probably saw was our ultimate goal. So, I had conversations without her, and I think she would have been proud of my analytical thinking.
NB: (Dr. Natalie Bern): So, what brings you here Anthony?
A (me): I’ve found myself thinking about a woman I knew in high school.
NB: Someone with whom you had a connection?
A: No. Not at all. I probably knew her well enough in high school where we might have smiled and said hi to each other but that was the extent of my interaction with her.
Dr. Bern would have most likely paused at this point hoping that the silence would get me to continue.
A. This is why it’s very weird. I have no idea what might have triggered this. I want to call it an obsession. Whenever I’m thinking about anything related to my future, Diora is in the picture.
NB. Diora is the girl from high school?
A: Yes. I have no anxiety whatsoever about this. I’m not bothered that I’m thinking about Diora all the time. It’s just matter of fact. I talk to myself as if it is inevitable that Diora will come into my life and that we are going to be together. When I’m eating a meal, I wonder if Diora likes whatever it is I’m eating. When I ride my bicycle, I wonder if she likes cycling. I’m planning a ski trip now with some friends for February and I’m seeing her being with us on that trip.
NB. Does that sound irrational to you?
A: One hundred percent. But I don’t feel like I’m being irrational. It’s not me creating a fantasy. It just feels like I’m somehow aware that this very strange turn of events in my life is going to happen. It feels like I’ve just been given notification in advance. I guess so that I can prepare.
NB: Had Diora’s name come up in some conversation before you started getting what you seem to describe as a premonition?
A: Nothing. I have no idea how she popped into my head. I never had a crush on her when we were in high school. She was just a pretty girl in the background. Everyone knew her. She was pretty and popular, but I never had any interest in her. I don’t even think any of my friends really even knew her.
NB: And you’re convinced that she is going to somehow pop into your life now. Have you tried to find out anything about her? Is she married? Does she have kids?
A: Yes, she’s married and yes, she has two little kids. A boy and a girl. They’re probably about 7 and 9 or something like that. I went weeks without having any interest in finding out anything about her. Then as time went on, I thought it was ridiculous that I knew absolutely nothing about her. So, I found her on Facebook. She has not aged well. And she is a lot heavier. If I saw this woman today, I would feel no attraction. But I didn’t feel disappointment. My thinking is that all of this is irrelevant. She’s married today; has kids. She’s heavy and very plain looking. It doesn’t matter. I don’t have a choice. She’s somehow coming into my life, and we are going to be together. That’s all there is to it. I’m not bothered by it. I’m not excited about it. Do you have an explanation for this?
NB: There are some things Anthony, that go beyond psychology. Cosmologists, theoretical physicists, philosophers, clerics, spiritual mystics might all have explanations. Psychologists dabble in the question of whether or not the mind can someone ascertain what will happen in the future. So, no, I would not worry about it. As long as you know that this feeling of foreshadowing is not conventional, I would say just let it unfold and if by any chance you do end up with Diora, consider yourself fortunate to have participated in one of the mysteries of life.
So, in this imaginary conversation with Dr. Bern, she did nothing to try and convince me that maybe I was delusional or maybe this was related to me still not being over Christine. Christine broke off our engagement two years ago, I was devastated. Natalie helped me get through the pain. Christine married someone else, and I have no contact with her. I don’t think about her much. I’m still a little sad but I have accepted what happened and I, no doubt, grew from the experience despite how difficult it was. I’m more secure today and better equipped to handle whatever life might bring me in the future.
Everything happened with Diora through a series of events that some people might call coincidences, but I refer to that experience as simply things unfolding as expected. I got a phone call from Tom Stafford who had heard that I had experience trading precious metals. I knew Tom in high school and had seen him a few times or heard some things about him through mutual friends. He had a possible job offer for me which was not really right for me, so I declined. Then he said, “Do you remember Diora Melvin?”
“Yes. Sure.” I had prepared for this for a long time, and it was finally here like a major exam or a sporting event or business presentation. It was actually happening just as I knew it would.
“She was good friends with Claire Thomas. Do you remember her?”
“No.”
“Well, Claire knows you and she knows that you were engaged. And she knows that you are no longer engaged.” I waited wondering if the path was opening. Or was this going to be a false alarm, a dead end. “She asked me if I ever talk to you. I told her that coincidentally I was going to call you about a job offer. She told me to ask you if you remember Diora.”
“Why?”
“Diora was asking about you. She went through a divorce not too long ago. Diora was hot, man. I would explore this one if I were you. Are you involved with anyone?”
Tom gave me Diora’s number. We talked. I learned that she was living near Sacramento. We got together and then everything took off from there.
So, that was the story I told myself. Thank God I never told anyone else. All of it is true up until the point where I get a phone call from Tom Stafford. I never knew anyone named Tom Stafford or Claire Thomas. I made both of them up. And I never had any kind of contact with Diora. But everything before that is true. I did start obsessing over her for no explainable reason. It was never a desire. It was just a strong premonition that she was going to come into my life. I always knew that it was irrational but that did not make it any less real. The notion of making contact with Diora through fictitious individuals was a fantasy and I knew that. I realized that it was simply an escape. There was a void at that moment of my life, and it led to loneliness. Once I stopped thinking about Diora and let go of the belief that we were going to be together, I knew that I had to go see Dr. Bern for real rather than have a fictional dialogue with her. She was more clinical than I remembered, more matter of fact, no non-sense.
“What brings you here Anthony?” she asked.
“I really think that I’m over Christine. I’ve felt that way for a while. My desire for her waned over time and I accept the fact that she is married now.” Dr. Bern looked at me with a “let’s get on with it” look. I wanted to feel safer, but I sensed that she wasn’t going to indulge me in the way that the Natalie Bern in my imaginary conversation had done. “But…but…I’ve just been having this very strong hunch that somehow I’m going to hear from her, and she is coming back into my life.”
She was warm and friendly to everyone but showed a certain shyness that made her approachable. It was her quiet demeanor that created just enough mystery to keep the guys going around and around. I was not one of those guys which is why I cannot explain why one weekend after probably close to twenty years of never even thinking about her, she got stuck in my head.
I wish I knew what might have ignited this compulsion. I was not reminiscing about high school. No one had mentioned her name to me. She just popped into my consciousness and after that, I could not get her out.
I did not know where she might have been living. She probably left Buffalo as most of us had. I did not know if she was married or had kids and rather than trying to see what I could find out about her, instead, I started to make plans for us. I thought about what a nice story it would be to tell my parents and my sister that I had reconnected with one of the most popular girls from high school; one of the girls that every guy had wanted to date. I thought about the reaction I would get from Dan and Jeff, the only two friends from high school with whom I was still in regular contact. I looked forward to introducing her to my co-workers and neighbors. I was sure that she would enjoy Livermore, California which is where I had been living for the past ten years.
I never really knew much about her. I could not remember if she was involved in any activities: sports, music, art, student government? I do not think I ever knew if she had any brothers or sisters, and I cannot remember who her close friends might have been. I did not even know what kind of student she was. I just remembered her being very pretty and pleasant. I can still see her sitting in the cafeteria; her delicate nose, dark eyes the same color as the streaks that nature had placed in a random pattern throughout her blonde, shoulder-length hair.
And then there was that smile. When it was on, it was warm and genuine. When it turned off, I sensed almost a lonely helplessness which was probably what attracted those boys in search of a girl to rescue. My first two years of high school I was with Stephanie and then after an amicable break-up, I dated Sasha all the way until graduation. Both of these girls had a firm hold on my heart which might be why I barely noticed Diora or any of the other popular girls.
I worried enough about my sudden interest in Diora to consider calling Dr. Bern, the therapist I had seen for about six months after Christine broke off our engagement. I had learned enough from Natalie Bern during our weekly sessions to practically self-treat which is what she probably saw was our ultimate goal. So, I had conversations without her, and I think she would have been proud of my analytical thinking.
NB: (Dr. Natalie Bern): So, what brings you here Anthony?
A (me): I’ve found myself thinking about a woman I knew in high school.
NB: Someone with whom you had a connection?
A: No. Not at all. I probably knew her well enough in high school where we might have smiled and said hi to each other but that was the extent of my interaction with her.
Dr. Bern would have most likely paused at this point hoping that the silence would get me to continue.
A. This is why it’s very weird. I have no idea what might have triggered this. I want to call it an obsession. Whenever I’m thinking about anything related to my future, Diora is in the picture.
NB. Diora is the girl from high school?
A: Yes. I have no anxiety whatsoever about this. I’m not bothered that I’m thinking about Diora all the time. It’s just matter of fact. I talk to myself as if it is inevitable that Diora will come into my life and that we are going to be together. When I’m eating a meal, I wonder if Diora likes whatever it is I’m eating. When I ride my bicycle, I wonder if she likes cycling. I’m planning a ski trip now with some friends for February and I’m seeing her being with us on that trip.
NB. Does that sound irrational to you?
A: One hundred percent. But I don’t feel like I’m being irrational. It’s not me creating a fantasy. It just feels like I’m somehow aware that this very strange turn of events in my life is going to happen. It feels like I’ve just been given notification in advance. I guess so that I can prepare.
NB: Had Diora’s name come up in some conversation before you started getting what you seem to describe as a premonition?
A: Nothing. I have no idea how she popped into my head. I never had a crush on her when we were in high school. She was just a pretty girl in the background. Everyone knew her. She was pretty and popular, but I never had any interest in her. I don’t even think any of my friends really even knew her.
NB: And you’re convinced that she is going to somehow pop into your life now. Have you tried to find out anything about her? Is she married? Does she have kids?
A: Yes, she’s married and yes, she has two little kids. A boy and a girl. They’re probably about 7 and 9 or something like that. I went weeks without having any interest in finding out anything about her. Then as time went on, I thought it was ridiculous that I knew absolutely nothing about her. So, I found her on Facebook. She has not aged well. And she is a lot heavier. If I saw this woman today, I would feel no attraction. But I didn’t feel disappointment. My thinking is that all of this is irrelevant. She’s married today; has kids. She’s heavy and very plain looking. It doesn’t matter. I don’t have a choice. She’s somehow coming into my life, and we are going to be together. That’s all there is to it. I’m not bothered by it. I’m not excited about it. Do you have an explanation for this?
NB: There are some things Anthony, that go beyond psychology. Cosmologists, theoretical physicists, philosophers, clerics, spiritual mystics might all have explanations. Psychologists dabble in the question of whether or not the mind can someone ascertain what will happen in the future. So, no, I would not worry about it. As long as you know that this feeling of foreshadowing is not conventional, I would say just let it unfold and if by any chance you do end up with Diora, consider yourself fortunate to have participated in one of the mysteries of life.
So, in this imaginary conversation with Dr. Bern, she did nothing to try and convince me that maybe I was delusional or maybe this was related to me still not being over Christine. Christine broke off our engagement two years ago, I was devastated. Natalie helped me get through the pain. Christine married someone else, and I have no contact with her. I don’t think about her much. I’m still a little sad but I have accepted what happened and I, no doubt, grew from the experience despite how difficult it was. I’m more secure today and better equipped to handle whatever life might bring me in the future.
Everything happened with Diora through a series of events that some people might call coincidences, but I refer to that experience as simply things unfolding as expected. I got a phone call from Tom Stafford who had heard that I had experience trading precious metals. I knew Tom in high school and had seen him a few times or heard some things about him through mutual friends. He had a possible job offer for me which was not really right for me, so I declined. Then he said, “Do you remember Diora Melvin?”
“Yes. Sure.” I had prepared for this for a long time, and it was finally here like a major exam or a sporting event or business presentation. It was actually happening just as I knew it would.
“She was good friends with Claire Thomas. Do you remember her?”
“No.”
“Well, Claire knows you and she knows that you were engaged. And she knows that you are no longer engaged.” I waited wondering if the path was opening. Or was this going to be a false alarm, a dead end. “She asked me if I ever talk to you. I told her that coincidentally I was going to call you about a job offer. She told me to ask you if you remember Diora.”
“Why?”
“Diora was asking about you. She went through a divorce not too long ago. Diora was hot, man. I would explore this one if I were you. Are you involved with anyone?”
Tom gave me Diora’s number. We talked. I learned that she was living near Sacramento. We got together and then everything took off from there.
So, that was the story I told myself. Thank God I never told anyone else. All of it is true up until the point where I get a phone call from Tom Stafford. I never knew anyone named Tom Stafford or Claire Thomas. I made both of them up. And I never had any kind of contact with Diora. But everything before that is true. I did start obsessing over her for no explainable reason. It was never a desire. It was just a strong premonition that she was going to come into my life. I always knew that it was irrational but that did not make it any less real. The notion of making contact with Diora through fictitious individuals was a fantasy and I knew that. I realized that it was simply an escape. There was a void at that moment of my life, and it led to loneliness. Once I stopped thinking about Diora and let go of the belief that we were going to be together, I knew that I had to go see Dr. Bern for real rather than have a fictional dialogue with her. She was more clinical than I remembered, more matter of fact, no non-sense.
“What brings you here Anthony?” she asked.
“I really think that I’m over Christine. I’ve felt that way for a while. My desire for her waned over time and I accept the fact that she is married now.” Dr. Bern looked at me with a “let’s get on with it” look. I wanted to feel safer, but I sensed that she wasn’t going to indulge me in the way that the Natalie Bern in my imaginary conversation had done. “But…but…I’ve just been having this very strong hunch that somehow I’m going to hear from her, and she is coming back into my life.”
Garvin Livingston has written numerous short stories and three novels.