What the Universe Will Allow
by Caitlin Mundy
The Call of the Void whispers
from the shadows, leaves wonder
at the rules of this world,
what is already laid ahead,
what can be carved out.
Some days my knuckles turn white
against the steering wheel
to keep from swerving
into the traffic.
Standing at the edge of a cliff
my heart spells fear
in Morse code.
I’m not afraid of falling,
I’m afraid of jumping.
One step from an ending
I don’t want,
I can’t stop
picturing the free fall.
I can’t breathe.
It would only take
one
singular
breath,
the briefest misjudgment,
an
exhale
of control,
for everything to change.
A rock through the window,
my phone in a river,
a knife through my veins,
my fist in his face.
The question
of choice
or submission
lives forever
in the not doing.
Tell me, sweet universe,
whose game am I playing?
Is it one I can win
with the right gamble?
The answer has a cost
far too steep
to pay.
Or else,
the answer laughs
as we ponder at the paradox.
Is the control in the holding back
or is there no control at all?
from the shadows, leaves wonder
at the rules of this world,
what is already laid ahead,
what can be carved out.
Some days my knuckles turn white
against the steering wheel
to keep from swerving
into the traffic.
Standing at the edge of a cliff
my heart spells fear
in Morse code.
I’m not afraid of falling,
I’m afraid of jumping.
One step from an ending
I don’t want,
I can’t stop
picturing the free fall.
I can’t breathe.
It would only take
one
singular
breath,
the briefest misjudgment,
an
exhale
of control,
for everything to change.
A rock through the window,
my phone in a river,
a knife through my veins,
my fist in his face.
The question
of choice
or submission
lives forever
in the not doing.
Tell me, sweet universe,
whose game am I playing?
Is it one I can win
with the right gamble?
The answer has a cost
far too steep
to pay.
Or else,
the answer laughs
as we ponder at the paradox.
Is the control in the holding back
or is there no control at all?
Caitlin Mundy is a Canadian poet, traveller, and recent graduate of mathematics. In the summers, you can find her planting trees in the north, and dreaming up new adventures to have. Other work is published or upcoming in Global Poemic, Gnashing Teeth, and Anti-Heroin Chic. You can find her on Instagram @caitlin.mundy.